This musing on trust is different than the earlier one I did. That one was about ways to tell if you can trust someone. This one is about loss of trust. You have trusted someone and they turned out not to be trustworthy.
First, I want to clarify what kind of trust I am speaking of. It is not business trust . This is about personal trust. The trust that is necessary when you share your thoughts, feelings, and self with someone. No one wants to share their personal feelings and thoughts which show who they are, with someone who is not trustworthy.
I was thinking about the word "trust" today as this musing was on my mind. I feel that "trust" means something a bit different to each one of us. To me. it means feeling "safe" that showing this person who I am and what I think will not be used to "hurt" me in a psychological or emotional way or bring reprisals. I like to have the feeling of assurance that my thoughts and communications are safe with a person. Whatever our personal definition of trust is, the loss of it can be unsettling.
That's what the essence of this musing is .....minimizing the negative feelings we feel when we have lost trust in someone.
This is very important because every moment of pain, confusion, or hurt feelings we have....we are giving power and control to that untrustworthy individual. I have referred to this phenomenon in other musings because it is present in a lot of negative situations that exist in relationships of all types. Once you have determined that a loss of trust has occurred...more directly put...that you realize this person has not been truthful with you and has, perhaps, exhibited behaviors that were meant to hurt or limit you in some way....the situation needs to be ended quickly so that these behaviors no longer can impact your world. When, I experience this type of situation....which I have recently.....I make sure that I do not give any more attention to this person. I find this to be an important first step, for me.
Once, the situation is no longer happening, then the important thing that I tell myself is .....this does not have anything to do with me. I am not at fault for being trusting...usually, these untrustworthy individuals make it easy for people to trust them. The reason it is important not to take to heart what untrustworthy people do....is that , again, to change who you are gives what that person did ...credence, power, control, and validity. I, for one, would never do that. I want to be who I am for the next person I trust, not someone who has been jaded or is overly cautious because of a past experience.
Another issue when dealing with untrustworthy people is....what if they say they are sorry or offer excuses? ...do you give them another chance? I have seen and have experienced personally too many of these situations. Everyone, it seems, does something different based on who they are and their values . I have known people who have given "second, third, and fourth," chances to people who have betrayed their trust . Everyone has to live up to their own values and do what is comfortable for them...I have never given anyone who I have lost trust in even a second chance. I feel strongly that being untrustworthy is next to lying. It has been my personal experience that once someone lies...they will lie again.....same as for being untrustworthy. You can count on that happening again. What, I usually do, is just don't put myself in that position again with that person. However, I am sure, there could an instance where I would consider a second chance, but,... it hasn't happened yet.
To summarize : First, remove yourself from the offending person. Sometimes , this is difficult but, really necessary if it is not to happen again. Second, do not blame yourself because you have a kind heart or a trusting nature. Third, do not change who you are so that you are still open to trusting the next person who had nothing to do with the past situation.
Also, please know and be aware, that people who are like this...untrustworthy, dishonest , cavalier, and hurtful.....are so very unhappy inside. They do not feel the joy of sharing honest thoughts and feelings. It's a high price they pay for being untrustworthy but, a fair one.
QUOTES:
“I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche
“To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.”
― George MacDonald
Few delights can equal the presence of one whom we trust utterly. - George MacDonald
First, I want to clarify what kind of trust I am speaking of. It is not business trust . This is about personal trust. The trust that is necessary when you share your thoughts, feelings, and self with someone. No one wants to share their personal feelings and thoughts which show who they are, with someone who is not trustworthy.
I was thinking about the word "trust" today as this musing was on my mind. I feel that "trust" means something a bit different to each one of us. To me. it means feeling "safe" that showing this person who I am and what I think will not be used to "hurt" me in a psychological or emotional way or bring reprisals. I like to have the feeling of assurance that my thoughts and communications are safe with a person. Whatever our personal definition of trust is, the loss of it can be unsettling.
That's what the essence of this musing is .....minimizing the negative feelings we feel when we have lost trust in someone.
This is very important because every moment of pain, confusion, or hurt feelings we have....we are giving power and control to that untrustworthy individual. I have referred to this phenomenon in other musings because it is present in a lot of negative situations that exist in relationships of all types. Once you have determined that a loss of trust has occurred...more directly put...that you realize this person has not been truthful with you and has, perhaps, exhibited behaviors that were meant to hurt or limit you in some way....the situation needs to be ended quickly so that these behaviors no longer can impact your world. When, I experience this type of situation....which I have recently.....I make sure that I do not give any more attention to this person. I find this to be an important first step, for me.
Once, the situation is no longer happening, then the important thing that I tell myself is .....this does not have anything to do with me. I am not at fault for being trusting...usually, these untrustworthy individuals make it easy for people to trust them. The reason it is important not to take to heart what untrustworthy people do....is that , again, to change who you are gives what that person did ...credence, power, control, and validity. I, for one, would never do that. I want to be who I am for the next person I trust, not someone who has been jaded or is overly cautious because of a past experience.
Another issue when dealing with untrustworthy people is....what if they say they are sorry or offer excuses? ...do you give them another chance? I have seen and have experienced personally too many of these situations. Everyone, it seems, does something different based on who they are and their values . I have known people who have given "second, third, and fourth," chances to people who have betrayed their trust . Everyone has to live up to their own values and do what is comfortable for them...I have never given anyone who I have lost trust in even a second chance. I feel strongly that being untrustworthy is next to lying. It has been my personal experience that once someone lies...they will lie again.....same as for being untrustworthy. You can count on that happening again. What, I usually do, is just don't put myself in that position again with that person. However, I am sure, there could an instance where I would consider a second chance, but,... it hasn't happened yet.
To summarize : First, remove yourself from the offending person. Sometimes , this is difficult but, really necessary if it is not to happen again. Second, do not blame yourself because you have a kind heart or a trusting nature. Third, do not change who you are so that you are still open to trusting the next person who had nothing to do with the past situation.
Also, please know and be aware, that people who are like this...untrustworthy, dishonest , cavalier, and hurtful.....are so very unhappy inside. They do not feel the joy of sharing honest thoughts and feelings. It's a high price they pay for being untrustworthy but, a fair one.
QUOTES:
“I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche
“To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.”
― George MacDonald
Few delights can equal the presence of one whom we trust utterly. - George MacDonald
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