FREEDOM TO FEEL.......DO WE HAVE IT ?

10/26/2013

Usually my musings are about life's situations and offer some truism or insight ....this one does not as I have not figured out how to deal with this myself.....and I have had many years of practice :-) I have been annoyed, quite a bit, lately by people telling me I should or should not feel "that" way because.........and they go on. Has that ever happened to you? This has inspired me to muse about it. Musing usually makes me feel better :-)

For some reason, people have a need in a conversation to advise us that we are feeling
"incorrectly". Even when the word "feel" is not in a statement we are making...people assume we are feeling a certain way and they have a need to tell us we should not "feel" that way ! Sometimes they tell us what the "correct" way to feel is. They usually say things like...You should feel etc......or...I don't know why you feel that way.... I find it all very annoying and have to try to get thru the conversation without being rude because the intent is not a bad one by those that say these things....it is just plain irritating and it invalidates our feelings.

If people were really trying to "help" us with their concerns that we are feeling "wrong"...they could say things like....tell me why do you feel that way....or ...what makes you feel or say that...... that would make a person feel validated for what they are feeling . Perhaps, like for computers and software....there needs to be a ..... Dealing with Feelings for Dummies book :-) But, the people that need a book like that probably would feel they didn't !

Yes, I am being a bit tongue in cheek and I do see the humor in this issue :-)....but, that doesn't make it less of an annoyance for me .

I do not mean to imply that everyone does that....they do not. I am fortunate and grateful to have great communicators in my world . It is the occasional one that really puts a damper on a conversation and creates a feeling of annoyance......what?.....you say I shouldn't feel annoyed? Oh No !!!!..not you too :-)

I thought I would see what other more well- known people have to say about feelings.....I hope you find them interesting...

I pay no attention whatever to anybody's praise or blame. I simply follow my own feelings.
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

I'm certainly glad Mozart did go with his own feelings and ignore those that thought otherwise.

This is one of my favorites.....sometimes there are no facts to back up your very legitimate feelings...they are legitimate because they are yours!

We apply law to facts. We don't apply feelings to facts.-Sonia Sotomayer

This one I sincerely agree with and mean !

None of this was written to hurt anybody's feelings.- Ric Flair

2 Comments

Alexander Carlisle White

10/26/2013 05:27:00 am

I have dealt with this kind of thing throughout my entire life. During my childhood and teenage years, much of my time was spent in the hospital undergoing many major surgeries. This led to deep depressions, despite my parents telling me I should feel good, because I would be "fixed" when all of it was done. The first actual childhood memory I have is of an orange/yellow gas mask being held against my face and this rubbery odor coming out, and then my face went numb, and then I was unconscious. In fact, a lot of my memories of back then consist of gas masks and needles lol.

Beside the fact that I was terrified of the surgeries, I always missed a lot of school, even though it really only consisted of bullying and social stigma. Again, my parents insisted that I feel fine, and when I DIDN'T, they sent me to a psychiatrist and put me on some dangerous medication.

Nowadays I am dealing with a different source of bad feelings (I miss my daughter, with whom I am separated indefinitely). According to my friends, I should feel fine.

Frustrating.

I hope that made sense. Great post and great read. I look forward to your next one :)

Mellow Cello link

10/26/2013 06:54:19 am

Alexander, your heartfelt comment is appreciated as it validates this writing and will help others as they read your very sincere comment. This type of invalidation goes on so much in communication and it is very hurtful.....there are probably a few reasons for it, I have found. First, people don't want to hear about your pain as they can't do anything about it and it makes them uncomfortable....all a person has to say is...I understand how you feel. For some reason they can't say that. Also, a lot of people are more interested in what they think and this statement allows them to tell you their opinion while invalidating your feelings. The book was mentioned in jest but many people could use it :-)

I am very empathetic of all you have said and gone through and two thoughts come to mind. One, although a traumatic childhood, look how strong you are to become such a sensitive, caring and expressive individual. It takes a great deal of strength and courage to do that. Second, as a supporter of your music, I now know why it is so emotional and reaches my heart when I listen to even the shortest piece. Through these hurts and pains, you are able to bring out beautiful sounds in your music.

I look upon people who invalidate either how other people feel or minimize what is happening to them as low in character and feeling. I feel it shows more about themselves than the people they are invalidating.

Thank you again, Alexander, for your valued comment and your support of my writing and music. I appreciate it !

Most Sincerely,

Mary

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Who Am I ?

I am an adult female who is a cellist, composer, and a student of life experiences (by necessity). I feel we are all students in life until the day we die. I am, a realist and I try to stay grounded in what I feel is the truth in any situation. I feel we have a responsibility to God, ourselves, and the people who love us to be the very best person we can be.

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