A few weeks ago , I received a saying on FB that brought this topic to mind...then , a few days ago, one of my FB friends who is a composer wrote a post saying "someone" had said a few things and that brought a cloud over what he was doing...which was wonderful and unique work.....when I read that post, I knew it was time to write about this topic....people who subtly and not so subtly rain on other people's parade...their successes and joys.....
I have experienced this a lot, during my life, because I am always doing something ... and happy and enthusiastic about it all ....also, usually having a little success with whatever it is.........this always made me a prime target for those parade rainer's comments. I just know you, my musing reader, have experienced this yourself...I see it happening to people a lot...like my composer friend...it must be human nature to want to pull someone down or to put a cloud over something that someone is doing....I do not know the "why" as I am not qualified to analyze that issue.......but, I am qualified , from vast personal experience with these types of people, to discuss how to spot what is happening so that no "damage" is done. By damage , I mean a doubting of self or a negative feeling that could affect the outcome of a person's goals or dreams...I, personally feel, these people are insidiously dangerous......It's as if you are happily marching along in a parade and a sudden cloudburst opens up over you.....
Anyone can be a "parade rainer"....friends, acquaintances, spouses, SO's, colleagues(especially), and family members...I came from a family of parade rainers and surviving them gave me a built in umbrella so no one has ever been able to stop me or slow me down with their rain....but, I have seen others start doubting their dreams and efforts and what was a happy pursuit became a little less happy and a bit unsure and doubtful....so, it is important that a person recognize these types of people so that their inner umbrella goes up and the comments and sometimes even behaviors bounce off like rain.....
There are no hard and fast guidlines on spotting these parade rainers because usually they do not "appear" negative....they appear interested in what you are doing or your results....and ask questions that can start doubtful thinking...especially if it is someone who you respect and/or care about....It is usually a questioning of what you are doing , how you are doing it or the why you are doing it.....followed by either a doubtful look or words..ie...uh hah...oh....or..I see....and they get a thoughtful look...I am sure you can think of many different questions that you have received from these types of people...a few that stick in my mind are..... huh!..that seems like a lot of work...are you having fun ?...or...why are you doing that?...I wouldn't do it because...and they go on...or the people who feel a need to tell you a story about someone who failed at what you are trying to do...or...they infer that what you are doing is the strangest thing in the world and ....no one....they knew would ever do that... or so and so did it a totally different way ....as I am writing , one thing is leading to another but, you get the idea....
I know you have met these types of people......even if all you really like to do is take care of your lawn perfectly....I used to do that and people used to love to tell me ...actually infer..they thought I was crazy to care about doing that....well, I was happy and I have a lovely lawn but, they did not and that was the problem....which leads to me the next issue with parade rainers.....
Sometimes, it is in their best interests for you to stop what you are doing or to not be successful at it....so I usually think about people's motives when they say something negative or positive...yes, positive words can be a negative if the intent is a negative one...ie....you have lost weight and are trying so hard and doing so well....your friend says...".you are really doing so well, let's go get ice cream...you deserve it....and you lost so much weight ...I'm sure its ok".....and if you resist, more subtle pressure is applied.....they are complimenting you and telling you to reward yourself...but, the intent is not positive in
the least....
I had an issue years ago when I got my first major promotion....I was on the road all day making customer visits....I was enthused as it was an important job to me and it is my nature to work to my full capacity...evidently, the number of my daily customer visits was higher than upper management was used to....I was unaware of all this as I was happily calling on customers and working hard.....2 of my colleagues took me to lunch to explain that we needed to work together ...they had a good thing going with 2 or 3 customer visits a day...I was doing 6 or 7 every day...this was making them look bad and ruin their good thing ...so they wanted to jeopardize my new position to play their game and loaf half the day like they did.....I was stunned....at first I didn't know what to say...they applied further pressure..I will not use their words , but, I clearly remember them......I just simply told them, finally, that if they thought 6-7 was a lot....watch the next report that comes out.....this is an example of behavior type parade rainers.....
I do not want to imply that every time someone says something critical, negative, doubting, questions or disapproves of what you are doing that they are a parade rainer. Not in the least.....we just have to be discerning as to the motive by being aware.
A few weeks ago , I mentioned to a composer friend of mine , in email, that I was working excitedly on a 12 measure Bb Major little cello song...just for fun....and I went on a bit as to why I was only doing 12 measures....
I receive an email back with concern about how I was doing it....I don't want to get technical here but basically he thought , because it was short, I was going to make one long melody instead of following certain rules.....he sounded doubting and concerned as it was so short ..that it would be as hard as symphony and so on......that is a perfect set up to be a parade rainer....but, such was not the case....I knew what he was talking about and it was a valid concern...this person was watching my back and concerned I was wasting precious time and would be disappointed...he was concerned and helpful...not negative..I assured him , I was following the rules(and thanked him)....and ...sigh...he was correct...it was challenging, but I did it and received his compliment for the final result...but, I won't be doing something that short again :-)
To summarize, we need to be aware that some people, even those we respect and care about, could have negative motives when we are achieving or happily pursuing something.....we must not allow their words or behaviors to cause us doubt, slow us down, or stop us in any way...
I am not going to address how to deal with the comments....it's an individual choice depending upon the person and the situation and it really doesn't much matter...it only matters that these comments or behaviors do not impact us and our efforts negatively..
QUOTES:
This is first one is my favorite quote on this subject:
"Don't let those who gave up on their dreams influence you to give up on yours." - Brian Tracy
"Watch out for the joy-stealers: gossip, criticism, complaining , faultfinding, and a negative judgmental attitude." - Joyce Meyer
"Remember: People only rain on your parade because they are jealous of your sun and tired of their shade."- Anonymous
"The thermometer of success is merely the jealousy of the malcontents." - Salvador Dali
"One of the lessons that I grew up with was to always stay true to yourself and never let what somebody else says distract you from your goals. And so when I hear about negative and false attacks, I really don't invest any energy in them, because I know who I am, "- Michelle Obama
I have experienced this a lot, during my life, because I am always doing something ... and happy and enthusiastic about it all ....also, usually having a little success with whatever it is.........this always made me a prime target for those parade rainer's comments. I just know you, my musing reader, have experienced this yourself...I see it happening to people a lot...like my composer friend...it must be human nature to want to pull someone down or to put a cloud over something that someone is doing....I do not know the "why" as I am not qualified to analyze that issue.......but, I am qualified , from vast personal experience with these types of people, to discuss how to spot what is happening so that no "damage" is done. By damage , I mean a doubting of self or a negative feeling that could affect the outcome of a person's goals or dreams...I, personally feel, these people are insidiously dangerous......It's as if you are happily marching along in a parade and a sudden cloudburst opens up over you.....
Anyone can be a "parade rainer"....friends, acquaintances, spouses, SO's, colleagues(especially), and family members...I came from a family of parade rainers and surviving them gave me a built in umbrella so no one has ever been able to stop me or slow me down with their rain....but, I have seen others start doubting their dreams and efforts and what was a happy pursuit became a little less happy and a bit unsure and doubtful....so, it is important that a person recognize these types of people so that their inner umbrella goes up and the comments and sometimes even behaviors bounce off like rain.....
There are no hard and fast guidlines on spotting these parade rainers because usually they do not "appear" negative....they appear interested in what you are doing or your results....and ask questions that can start doubtful thinking...especially if it is someone who you respect and/or care about....It is usually a questioning of what you are doing , how you are doing it or the why you are doing it.....followed by either a doubtful look or words..ie...uh hah...oh....or..I see....and they get a thoughtful look...I am sure you can think of many different questions that you have received from these types of people...a few that stick in my mind are..... huh!..that seems like a lot of work...are you having fun ?...or...why are you doing that?...I wouldn't do it because...and they go on...or the people who feel a need to tell you a story about someone who failed at what you are trying to do...or...they infer that what you are doing is the strangest thing in the world and ....no one....they knew would ever do that... or so and so did it a totally different way ....as I am writing , one thing is leading to another but, you get the idea....
I know you have met these types of people......even if all you really like to do is take care of your lawn perfectly....I used to do that and people used to love to tell me ...actually infer..they thought I was crazy to care about doing that....well, I was happy and I have a lovely lawn but, they did not and that was the problem....which leads to me the next issue with parade rainers.....
Sometimes, it is in their best interests for you to stop what you are doing or to not be successful at it....so I usually think about people's motives when they say something negative or positive...yes, positive words can be a negative if the intent is a negative one...ie....you have lost weight and are trying so hard and doing so well....your friend says...".you are really doing so well, let's go get ice cream...you deserve it....and you lost so much weight ...I'm sure its ok".....and if you resist, more subtle pressure is applied.....they are complimenting you and telling you to reward yourself...but, the intent is not positive in
the least....
I had an issue years ago when I got my first major promotion....I was on the road all day making customer visits....I was enthused as it was an important job to me and it is my nature to work to my full capacity...evidently, the number of my daily customer visits was higher than upper management was used to....I was unaware of all this as I was happily calling on customers and working hard.....2 of my colleagues took me to lunch to explain that we needed to work together ...they had a good thing going with 2 or 3 customer visits a day...I was doing 6 or 7 every day...this was making them look bad and ruin their good thing ...so they wanted to jeopardize my new position to play their game and loaf half the day like they did.....I was stunned....at first I didn't know what to say...they applied further pressure..I will not use their words , but, I clearly remember them......I just simply told them, finally, that if they thought 6-7 was a lot....watch the next report that comes out.....this is an example of behavior type parade rainers.....
I do not want to imply that every time someone says something critical, negative, doubting, questions or disapproves of what you are doing that they are a parade rainer. Not in the least.....we just have to be discerning as to the motive by being aware.
A few weeks ago , I mentioned to a composer friend of mine , in email, that I was working excitedly on a 12 measure Bb Major little cello song...just for fun....and I went on a bit as to why I was only doing 12 measures....
I receive an email back with concern about how I was doing it....I don't want to get technical here but basically he thought , because it was short, I was going to make one long melody instead of following certain rules.....he sounded doubting and concerned as it was so short ..that it would be as hard as symphony and so on......that is a perfect set up to be a parade rainer....but, such was not the case....I knew what he was talking about and it was a valid concern...this person was watching my back and concerned I was wasting precious time and would be disappointed...he was concerned and helpful...not negative..I assured him , I was following the rules(and thanked him)....and ...sigh...he was correct...it was challenging, but I did it and received his compliment for the final result...but, I won't be doing something that short again :-)
To summarize, we need to be aware that some people, even those we respect and care about, could have negative motives when we are achieving or happily pursuing something.....we must not allow their words or behaviors to cause us doubt, slow us down, or stop us in any way...
I am not going to address how to deal with the comments....it's an individual choice depending upon the person and the situation and it really doesn't much matter...it only matters that these comments or behaviors do not impact us and our efforts negatively..
QUOTES:
This is first one is my favorite quote on this subject:
"Don't let those who gave up on their dreams influence you to give up on yours." - Brian Tracy
"Watch out for the joy-stealers: gossip, criticism, complaining , faultfinding, and a negative judgmental attitude." - Joyce Meyer
"Remember: People only rain on your parade because they are jealous of your sun and tired of their shade."- Anonymous
"The thermometer of success is merely the jealousy of the malcontents." - Salvador Dali
"One of the lessons that I grew up with was to always stay true to yourself and never let what somebody else says distract you from your goals. And so when I hear about negative and false attacks, I really don't invest any energy in them, because I know who I am, "- Michelle Obama
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